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How to Change Your Negative Self-Talk to Positive Beliefs

Monday, September 6th, 2010


I am often surprised at how unconscious my coaching clients are of their negative self-talk. The first step toward replacing your negative thinking with positive beliefs is to pay close attention to what is going on between your ears.  Monitor your thought content for critical self-statements like, “You idiot!” or “How could you DO that???”  Listen carefully to the words that come out of your mouth.

Notice when you are harsh on yourself and ask gently, “Is that appropriate?”  If your self-criticism habit is firmly entrenched you will probably reply with an emphatic “Yes!”  Then ask yourself how you feel when you treat yourself so meanly.  If you are honest with yourself, you will notice that you feel deflated or discouraged or some other unhappy feeling.

think positive1. Jeannette

Now, gently correct that thought or statement.  Tell yourself, “Just because I did that, doesn’t mean I’m an idiot,” or “It would have been better if I had done that differently, but beating myself up isn’t going to help anything.”

At the beginning, you may need to watch out for beating yourself up for being mean to yourself:  “You idiot!  There you go again!  What’s WRONG with you? You’ll never learn to be kind to yourself!”  Use humor when old habits of negativity reassert themselves:  “Oops!  There you go again!” Or, you could even say something like, “Sweetheart, you do not deserve to treat yourself that way.  Life is too short for such cruelty!”

As you correct your negative thinking begin to replace it with positive beliefs.  If you do something you are unhappy with, ask yourself, “What can I do to fix this?” or “What is the learning here?”  Encourage yourself by affirming that you’ll do better next time.  Over time you will change the habit of negativity to the habit of positive, encouraging thinking.  As you do this, you will empower yourself to act free of the fear of self-castigation should things not turn out exactly as you would like them to.  You will also feel much more confident and self-accepting.  All of which, of course, will help you to achieve your goals and make your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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Improve your Relationships: Validate the Other Person’s Position

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

Everyone has their own point of view.

While this may seem like an obvious statement, failure to acknowledge the validity of the other person’s perspective is one of the top ways that disagreements escalate into conflict.

When a friend, a co-worker or a family member disagrees with you, it is easy to slip into a win/lose mentality.  Either you’re right and you win or they’re right and you lose.  No one wants to be a loser, so it’s easy to get locked into the rightness of your position.  Things can quickly escalate into angry conflict when both people get stuck in this behavior.

The truth is that in most situations, both positions have validity.  The trick is to be willing to recognize and acknowledge that the other person’s point of view is plausible, even though it differs from your own.

To do this it is crucial to remember that every person has their own point of view.  The other person simply sees things or does them differently from you.  They have been doing things a certain way all of their lives, just as you have.  Their way has worked perfectly well for them, just as yours has worked for you.

Just because one person’s viewpoint or way of doing something works doesn’t mean that the other person’s does not.  You can both be right.  When you keep this in mind, it is easier to take disagreement at face value, rather than experiencing it as a put-down or an attack.

When you validate the other person’s position, it makes it much more likely that they will be willing to consider your point of view, as well.

When you are able to experience disagreement in this way, you and the other person can move beyond a win/lose position – your way or their way – to a win/win exploration of what’s the best way to deal with the situation at hand.

Instead of being adversaries, you become a team, addressing the challenge together.  Conflict is avoided.  What’s more, by drawing on the best of both positions, you are likely to come up with a solution that works for both of you, a solution that will probably be better than anything either of you would have come up with on your own.

You win, the other person wins, the relationship wins and you will be making your good life better!

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Endorse Both Your Achievements and Your Strengths

Friday, June 18th, 2010

Endorsing your excellence means both acknowledging your achievements and appreciating your strengths, those character traits that have enabled you to succeed.

Being willing and able to endorse your excellence has a number of benefits. Here are some of them:

1. Familiarity with your own strengths provides awareness of the qualities that can help you to succeed.

When you set a goal for yourself it is important to know those characteristics which have helped you to succeed in the past. If you are aware of your strengths and willing to acknowledge them, you can consciously utilize them to help you achieve your goals in the present.

Your strengths may be diligence or enthusiasm or perseverance or any other character trait that has helped you to succeed in the past. Whatever they are, these strengths will always be available to you. You can draw on these same strengths to achieve your goal in the present, no matter how daunting it may seem.

If you would like to learn more about your own strengths, I highly recommend you visit the website www.authentichappiness.com. There you will find the VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire which measures 24 character strengths. It takes only about 20 minutes to complete this questionnaire and it is free! You will have a list of your top strengths. Awareness of these strengths will help you answer the question, “How can I ever accomplish THIS???”

2. When you acknowledge your successes you become an expert in what you can do to achieve your goals.

When you recognize what you do that works, you can build on your successes to reach your goals. Pay attention to the tiny winning choices that you make. Notice the differences they make in your life.

Are you more effective when you take a brief break a couple of times a day? Do people react differently when you treat them with greater kindness? When you become an expert on the outcome of your choices, you learn what behaviors work. You become keenly aware of what you need to do more of to succeed. When you are empowered in this way, the choices you make will create your success.

3. Honestly present your excellence to others.

There are certain situations, such as job interviews, where success depends on your being able to affirm the contributions you have made. This is not bragging when done in a matter-of-fact manner.

A simple acknowledgement of your strengths and accomplishments conveys necessary information while projecting the self confidence every employer seeks in a potential hire.

As you practice endorsing your excellence it will become easier. After all, it is natural to feel good about how great you really are!

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Replace the Habit of Upset with the Habit of Calm

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

When you are upset about something, it may feel like there’s no way you could calm down.  In fact, there are simple, straightforward techniques you can use to transform upset into calm.  When you do, you’ll deal more effectively with the situation.

Here are the steps you can use to transform upset into calm.

First notice how you feel as you let upset overtake you.  Pay careful attention to the impact of your upset on your body and your mind.

Notice any tightness in your muscles or clenching in your gut.  Be aware of the unpleasant thoughts and feelings aroused by your outrage.  If your criticism is directed at yourself, notice how undermining those attacks on yourself truly are.

Then ask yourself,  “How would I be, if I weren’t reacting this way?”

If you are honest with yourself, you will note that you would be calmer and more peaceful, more comfortable and better able to deal with the situation if you were free of your upset.

From this perspective, you can see that your own upset is as much of a problem as whatever provoked your response.

Really allow yourself to imagine fully how it would feel to remain calm.  Invite the thoughts that would support a calm response, such as “This really isn’t all that important” or “Maybe s/he didn’t do that to hurt me.”

Visualize yourself responding appropriately when frustrated, disappointed or angry.  Then practice the calm you have visualized

As you begin to visualize alternatives to overreacting, you become aware of the choices available to you.  When you feel your upset beginning to arise, take a deep breath and consider your options.  Ask yourself, “Would I rather be upset or calm in this situation?”

Gradually, as you practice new patterns of thought and behavior, you will replace the habit of upset with the habit of calm.

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How to Transform Upset into Calm

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

You can choose to remain calm.

When you get upset about something you may feel like your angry response is inevitable.  In fact, you have a choice.  Choosing to remain calm will help you deal better with the situation.  Here’s how you do it.

First, notice when you start getting upset about something.

Just having a part of yourself that is observing your enraged response, rather than fully participating in it creates a detachment you can work with.

Then ask yourself, “Is what just happened worth getting upset about?”

If you are like most people accustomed to becoming upset when annoyed, your immediate response will be a resounding and heart-felt “Yes!!”

If you take a closer look and are truly honest with yourself, chances are you’ll be able to acknowledge that it’s not that big a deal.  What’s more, though you might wish the situation were different, your getting upset isn’t going to improve anything.  It will only make matters worse.

Pausing to observe your reactions and gently questioning your angry response will give you the time and perspective that will allow you to calm down and respond more effectively.

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Improve Your Relationships: Express Appreciation

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Expressing appreciation to the people around you will improve your relationships.  Whether it’s family, friends or co-workers, people will feel better when you let them know you have noticed the kind or helpful things they have done.  When they feel better, they are more likely to repeat these behaviors and that will benefit you.

Some people have trouble expressing appreciation because they believe that the other person is supposed to do the job anyway.  Why thank your co-worker for getting the report to you on time?  That’s part of her job, isn’t it?  Why make a big deal over your husband’s folding the laundry?  Nobody thanks you when you do household chores.

While this attitude may be perfectly justified, it is not helpful.  Expressing appreciation is a win/win/win.  You win, the other person wins and the relationship itself benefits.

The Other Person Wins

Think back to times when people have thanked you.  Remember how good it felt to have your effort acknowledged.  Your co-workers, friends and family will feel just as good when you acknowledge them.

Notice the response of the people you thank.  Their pleasure at being recognized can help enhance your own.

You Win

In order to express appreciation, you need to notice the positive things that others do for you.  In relationships it’s all too easy to focus on the things other people do that drive you crazy.  You will feel more cared for the more you notice the small, helpful, caring things that those around you do.

Letting another person know when they’ve done something that pleases you is a form of positive reinforcement.  When you let the other person know that what they did pleases you, they get the message that doing such things for you truly matters.  This makes it more likely that they will go out of their way to do such things again and you will get more of what you want, need and deserve.

The Relationship Benefits

Research has shown that relationship satisfaction correlates with the number of positive interactions.  The more pleasing exchanges there are in a relationship, the higher the overall level of relationship satisfaction.

Acknowledging the other person’s kindness or a job well done creates a positive interaction which enhances the general level of good will in the relationship.  Both people feel better about the relationship and each other.  The positive momentum created in this way makes it more likely that positive interactions will increase in the future.

You will be noticing the good things others do as they happen and spontaneously expressing your thanks.  Your relationships will improve and you’ll be making your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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Notice The Unexpected

Monday, April 5th, 2010

The story is told that when the very first tall ships of the European explorers arrived in the New World, the people on the beach were unable to perceive them.  These things were so far out of their experience and so entirely unexpected that they simply were not noticed.

We all tend to be like those native peoples when confronted with something out of the ordinary.  We generally notice those things that fit into our concept of the world and ignore events that fly in the face of reality as we know it.

In some ways this serves us.  We need to trust that the world is a predictable place.  However failing to notice exceptions to the rule can get you in trouble.

Like most of us, you probably have clear ideas of how you behave.  For the most part, these generalities may hold true. But they can limit your ability to change.

The assumptions you have about your patterns of behavior can keep you stuck if you fail to notice exceptions to the rule.

Notice Past Exceptions to the Expected

When contemplating behavior change, your expectation for success will be vastly improved if you can point to times in the past when you actually practiced the desired behavior.

For example, it is not unusual for clients to declare something like, “I never finish anything!”  When we look carefully at their past, however, we identify many instances when they actually finished important projects.

Identifying instances that disprove your negative expectations instills hope, an essential ingredient in successful behavior change.  When you acknowledge past success, you recognize that you have what it takes to achieve success in the present.  This establishes indisputably that the desired change is possible which leads, in turn, to the expectation that you can – and will – succeed.

Expand your notion of what is true for you

People make sweeping generalizations about themselves which, while often true, provide a limited picture of who they are or what they can accomplish.  I commonly hear from clients such statements as “I can’t focus” or “I’m lazy.”  These descriptors are used to justify the notion that change is not possible. The truth is that we are all capable of virtually any human behavior.

The phrase I love best as an antidote to such sweeping generalizations is “…except when I do” or “…except when I’m not.”

So, “I can’t focus, except when I do” or “I’m lazy, except when I’m not.”

The next time you catch yourself making this kind of definitive statement about yourself, pay attention to how it feels. Then correct yourself, using one of the phrases above.  Notice how different you feel when you expand your notion of what is true for you!

Notice Small Successes in the Present

I am often surprised at the difficulty my clients have at recognizing their successes, when these behaviors differ from the expectations they have of themselves.  Yet noticing success is essential to achieving new and desired behavior.

Pay attention to what works.  Notice carefully the outcome when you act in new ways.  You will have essential information    to guide you in the countless choices you make throughout the day.  When you notice those things you do that help you achieve your goals you become an expert in the solutions, not in the problems!

Allowing yourself to be pleasantly surprised will not only make your day more pleasant, it will help you establish the changes that will make your good life better!

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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To Win the Lottery You Must Buy a Ticket

Friday, March 26th, 2010

One of my favorite jokes goes like this:

Every day a man went into church, lit a candle and got down on his knees to pray.  Every day he begged God “Please, please let me win the Lottery.”

He continued like this for weeks and months and even years, but he never won a penny.

Finally, someone up there must have had pity on the poor man. One day our friend heard a deep, booming voice reverberating throughout the church:  “To win the Lottery… you must buy a ticket!”

How many times have you wished for something, but been reluctant to take the step that could help you achieve your goal?  It can be scary to take a significant step toward your goal.

What if it doesn’t work?  What if you fail?  What if you succeed and your life actually is transformed, but it no longer feels like the life you’re familiar with?   Thoughts such as these can keep you from taking the risk that could move you forward toward transforming your life for the better.

Yet if you never take that step, you will certainly never achieve your goals.  If you do not take that risk, you may protect yourself from rejection or ridicule but you will never move ahead.

Once you actually take a risk, you will find exhilaration quickly replacing your terror.  Few things are more empowering or energizing than actually moving through fear to take a step toward a desired goal.  Once you have taken the leap and learned you can fly, the imagined risks seem insignificant in comparison to the possibilities you have created.

A Personal Example

I experienced this recently.  My goal is to see my articles published in national magazines.  In order for an article to be printed, a magazine editor needs to accept one for publication.  No magazine editor will ever be able to accept my article unless I submit a query letter. So, if I don’t submit query letters to potential publishers I will never realize my goal of seeing my articles in print.  Submitting a query letter felt incredibly scary until I realized that if I want to win the Lottery, I’m going to need to take that risk.

Submitting my first query letter took an enormous amount of courage. What I never anticipated was the exhilaration I felt the moment I actually sent it.  My focus shifted completely from the fear of rejection and failure to the possibility of success.  In taking that fearsome step I had done what I needed to do to create – for the first time – the possibility of achieving my goal and actually seeing my articles in print.

Of course, I may get rejection letters.  But if I do, I’ll just keep sending the queries to other publishers until I find one that bites.  I know that if I keep doing this, someday I will achieve my goal.  If I don’t do this, I will never win the Lottery.

You Can Do It Too

Think of the goals you hesitate to move ahead on.  Think about a risk you need to take to move toward that goal.  Give yourself permission to take that risk and then go for it!  You’ll create the possibility to achieve your goal and your good life will be better because of it!

PS.  Feel free to email me. I’d love to hear about the scary steps you take, or have taken … and the successes they lead to!

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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The Six Stages of Change

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Most of us think of change as a simple linear process.  We set a goal and we move toward it until we succeed.

Research has shown, however, that change is actually a more complex and circular process.  In his study of people who successfully quit smoking, James Prochaska identified six stages which characterize any behavioral change. Understanding these six stages of change can help you achieve your goals.

In addition, Prochaska found that few of his subjects actually marched through these steps one after the other.  Instead most of them circled through a number of times before they became and remained non-smokers.

This is important for you to know if you are attempting a behavioral change or if someone you know is.  It’s easy to view a lapse as failure, to become discouraged or even give up.

Instead, you can recognize lapses as a normal part of the change process.  By being aware of the six stages, you will be better prepared to deal with any setbacks and get quickly back on track.

The Six Stages of Change:

Prochaska not only characterized the stages of change.  He also identified the accomplishments necessary in each to move to the next stage.  I offer you both.
1.    Precontemplation:

Precontemplation describes the period before you are aware that a change is necessary.  Another word for Precontemplation is denial.

In Precontemplation, you are living with a problem but refusing to acknowledge that change needs to happen.  Others around you may clearly recognize that you need to change, but you insist that the situation is not so serious that you can’t handle it.

If you are in Precontemplation, before you can to move to the next stage you need to be willing to consider the possibility that change may be necessary.  You need to recognize that the costs of maintaining the problem behavior may be greater than the costs of changing it.

2.    Contemplation:

Once you’ve moved out of Precontemplation, you are willing to understand the truth about the problem behavior or situation and consider the alternatives.  Contemplation is the learning stage in which you gather information.

In the stage of Contemplation you examine the pros and cons of the various options available to you.  You honestly assess all of the costs and benefits of allowing the situation to continue.  You also look at the pluses and minuses of doing things differently. You become fully informed.

Some people go back and forth between Precontemplation and Contemplation for a while before they are ready to move ahead.  You are ready to move to the next stage when, on the basis of your analysis, you embrace the need to change.

3.    Planning:

Once you have committed to bringing about a change in your life, the next step is to figure out how to do it.  You plan your behavior change.

You identify your goal.  You research the various ways you might achieve your goal.  You enlist help.  Often people show up for coaching when they reach the Planning stage, knowing that a coach can help them clarify their goal as well as the steps they need to accomplish it.

Once you have formulated a workable plan, you are ready to move into Action.

4.    Action:

You implement your plan in the Action phase.  This phase can be seen as an experiment in which you learn which parts of your plan work and where the unforeseen obstacles lie.

Circling between Action and Planning is an inevitable part of the change process.  No plan is perfect.  It is essential to view any problems which arise as an opportunity to improve your plan.

Once your action plan is proceeding smoothly, you are ready to move into the most challenging stage of all.

5.    Maintenance:

Most people enter the Action stage filled with enthusiasm and excitement.  There is a sense of euphoria as they begin to see positive change and experience the benefits that this brings.

It is much more of a challenge to maintain that change.  As you move further from the negative experiences created by the old behavior, it becomes easier to minimize their costs.  Temptations arise which can be difficult to resist.

Maintenance is the long haul during which old habits are being replaced by new ones.  Lapses are common during the Maintenance phase.  It may be necessary to return to Planning or even to Contemplation to remedy these lapses.

Some people who lapse in the Maintenance stage get so discouraged that they return to Precontemplation.  Don’t let this happen to you!

When you understand that change rarely proceeds in a straight line, you can recognize a lapse as a normal part of the change process and get quickly back on track.

6.    Termination (Transformation):

Once the new habits have replaced the old, maladaptive behaviors you can consider yourself in what Prochaska labels the Termination phase.  I prefer the term Transformation.

In Transformation, the desired change has been accomplished.  With the new behaviors established, you are no longer the same person.  You couldn’t imagine going back to the old behavior patterns. You have achieved your goal.

Understanding the process of change will help you achieve your goals and make your good life better!  If you would like to learn more about the six stages of change, I heartily recommend Prochaska’s book, Changing for Good.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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Improve Your Relationships: Transform Your Vicious Circles into Virtuous Circles

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Vicious circles underlie most relationship problems.

•    Kimberly wanted Bob to help out more around the house, but his efforts rarely lived up to her standards.  Being told that the clothes weren’t folded right or the bathtub wasn’t clean enough discouraged Bob from attempting household chores. It bothered Bob that sex had become less frequent than it used to be. Kimberly’s growing resentment about needing to do more than her share of the housework reduced her interest in sex, making Bob even less inclined to help around the house.

•    Tim traveled a lot for work and got lonely on the road.  When he called home he wanted Marie to be as excited to hear from him as he felt to reconnect with her. After a long day at work and caring for their two kids, Marie often felt too tired to engage in long and passionate conversations.  Her lack of enthusiasm hurt and angered Tim and he came home grumpy.  His negativity made it harder for Marie to react positively when he came through the door, further intensifying Tim’s fears that his wife didn’t love him.  Marie truly loved Tim but she felt hopeless about getting him to believe her. It seemed that whatever she said or did would never be enough to satisfy him.  Her discouragement made her want to withdraw even more which made him feel more threatened, needy and demanding.

In a vicious circle each person’s behavior makes it less likely that they are going to get what they want, need and deserve from the other.  Both people participate in a downward spiral which, if left unchecked, can wreck a relationship.

How a Vicious Circle Works:

I get annoyed when you disappoint me and when I’m annoyed I don’t treat you kindly.  You’re put off by my negativity and become less inclined to be considerate toward me.  This is how vicious circles get started.
I try to make you change and behave the way I think you should, but you’re perfectly happy with your way of doing things.  The more I nag or yell, the more entrenched you become in your ways.  This is how vicious circles intensify.
When you do the same thing you get the same result.  Yelling louder or withdrawing further just creates greater alienation, intensifying the vicious circle.  The truth is that there is nothing anyone can do to make another person change, unless that person wants to change.
Here is the good news.  You can change your own behavior and by doing so you can turn the vicious circle into a virtuous circle.
How a Virtuous Circle Works:

The only person you have control over is yourself.  When you give the other person more of what they are asking for – even if it seems impossibly unfair to have to do so – you maximize the likelihood that they will want to change too.

Change begins slowly, with little things.  Go out of your way to provide small kindnesses, even if it feels forced or unnatural at first.  Make sure to notice and express appreciation for any positive changes in the other person’s behavior.

These positive interactions create good will in the relationship, initiating the virtuous circle.  As good will grows and loving interactions increase, it becomes easier and easier to do those caring things, further strengthening the positive momentum.

•    It bothered Kimberly to express appreciation when Bob helped out around the house.  After all, nobody thanked her when she did the dishes or made the bed.  However she recognized that her criticism of Bob’s efforts made it less likely that she would get the support she needed.  Once Kimberly lightened up and thanked Bob for his help, he began to contribute more to the housework.  He also started doing the thoughtful little things he’d done at the outset of their relationship, like calling her during the day, just to say ‘Hello’, or bringing home flowers.  As Kimberly felt more loved, she became less critical.  It was just a matter of time before the couple started expressing their growing affection in bed.

•    Tim began taking Marie’s behavior less personally, recognizing that her low energy on their calls came from exhaustion rather than a lack of caring. Because he no longer reacted angrily, she responded more affectionately when he returned home, reassuring him that he was loved.  As Tim became less demanding, Marie felt encouraged to say and do the little things that please him, confident that her efforts would be appreciated.

Think of the vicious circles in your own relationships.  Now think about what you can do differently to turn those vicious circles into virtuous circles. 

Think small.  It’s the little things that count.

Be persistent.  The other person may initially wonder what’s going on. They may doubt your motivation or feel unwilling to trust that your efforts will sustain over time.  If you consistently maintain the positive behaviors, eventually the other person will respond.  Your relationship will benefit and you’ll be making your good life better.

Jeannette Samanen, Ph.D.
Jeannette’s professional development began with graduate school at the University of Oregon.  Her first post-doctoral position was at the Boston University School of Medicine where, as an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry (Psychology), where she specialized in stress management and behavioral medicine.  Jeannette has had over 30 years of experience as a life coach and psychologist and derives great pleasure from helping clients transform their lives for the better.

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